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Games you MUST play if you are in this Zodiac Sign

2nd March 2017

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It’s well known* that your star-sign has a massive impact on your life – and it’s as true for your tabletop gaming choices as it is for your relationships, your career and your fashion sense. Here’s a list of games that you MUST play if you are one of these signs:

Aries – Betrayal at House on the Hill

Aries are well known for their brash, impulsive and reckless approach to issues. So, there’s no better game than Betrayal, where you can run up the stairs and unleash the master of all evil on the world. It’s different every time you play it, so Aries can fuck everything up for everyone else multiple times.

Taurus – Forbidden Desert

Taurus, the Bull, represents a strong-willed character with great perseverance and determination. And oh man are you going to need both in the Forbidden Desert. A game by Matt ‘the Devil’ Leacock pits you against a raging sandstorm that threatens to bury your team alive while you attempt to collect the pieces of an ancient airship. Apparently no one has cell phone coverage, so you need to build it to escape. Spolier: you won’t.

Gemini – The Resistance

Gemini’s are duplicitous bastards, so they’ll love the treachery and backstabbing that the Resistance provides. You can pit your wits against others who are trying to carry out missions for the Resistance, or the saboteur in their midst. Either way, Gemini can balls it up for everyone, leading them to the inevitable firing squad of Standard Evil™.

Cancer – Dixit

Apparently Cancer are a sensitive bunch, so Dixit is the perfect game. A Gentle game of storytelling and picture guessing that can never end with some snowflake getting triggered and exploding in obstinate rage, phlegm and spittle flying – can it?

Leo – Munchkin

Dude you’re a fucking Lion, so your already OP. The only way to get any more a sense of achievement in your life is to dick on your friends by becoming the biggest Munchkin.

Virgo – Powergrid

Virgo is analytical, hardworking and practical, so it makes sense to put them in charge of infrastructure. You wouldn’t want a Leo in charge of the building budget – he’d just fund a giant phallic statue. Virgo is the type of person who would love a game of Powergrid, carefully developing a consistent and interconnect network of electricity.

Libra – Settlers of Catan

Tactical observers, good decision makers and social butterflies, Libra will dominate Catan. It’s a game for charming your friends to trade wood for sheep, then backstabbing them by blocking off a load of other resources. Pure, unadulterated, capitalist brutality. Nobody likes you Libra!

Scorpio – Gloom

Scorpio doesn’t give a rat’s ass about anyone, which is why Gloom is their perfect game. Scorpio gets to make whole families miserable for their own amusement before killing them off. On an up point, Scorpio can try and bring joy to the opposition families, whether it’s the freak show family or the creepy aristocrats – joy or death, Scorpio wins.

Sagittarius – Warhammer 40000

Violent and Wise Sagittarius? Well, it has to be Warhammer 40000. Commit mass murder on a galactic scale and purge the xenos. He who has read the most books is the winner. No really. It’s no coincidence that the ‘4’ key on the Keyboard also has a $ sign…

Capricorn – Small World

Capricorn has absolutely no idea who or what it wants to be. It’s a bloody sea goat! Well, in the gaming world at least Small Word has them covered. Be a bunch of different civilizations as they fight for dominance over many eras. Rats, Trolls, Elves – and many more races for you to be indecisive about.

Aquarius – Tsuro

Aquarius is proof that to get anywhere in life, you have to be spotted by a proper god. This is why Tsuro is the best game – you don’t have to be better than anyone else, you just have to outlast them. If you are the only one left, they’ll pick you – obviously. Slide rocks across lines – it’s simple enough.

Pisces – Sushi Go

Pisces is all about overeating, and he’s a fish. Go combine these two facts by playing a delightful game of Sushi conveyer-belt grabbing! Everyone loves sushi. No one loves Pisces.


*bullshit

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Author

Alan Ball

Cynical, misanthropic writer of board game stuff. Occasionally, there is joy, but only when served in a pint glass.